This is going to be the last post I will be writing for this blog. I am creating another one where I will be as true as this post is. This probably will be the only anne peaches joyce entry I will have here. The others are either anne, peaches or joyce. But never the trio.

I feel really heavy now. Yes, I am 65 kilos, a five-kg jump from my used to be normal weight. But that’s not the weight I am complaining of here. I feel too heavy I don’t know if I can still walk the steps I yet have to take. You know, I don’t want to be crawling. I don’t want these overwhelming emotions to take over me and make me lose everything—all I and deserve to have.

There are times when I cry at night and ask myself why it is too difficult to befriend my strength. But it’s also during these nights when I realize I’ve never really gone close to what I may name my potentials. I’ve always believed that while I may be good, someone is always better. And while I may need something, I can always do without it. So I calm my cells by telling myself that someone always is meant to have or needs it more than I do. I give excuses to my poor thinking and later hurt myself.

Others may see me strong. I’m loud but I think I’ve never really told anyone of me. I hate hearing others tell me how straight they are about their goals. I don’t have goals. That’s my problem but it’s not the only. I am not strong at all. In fact, I’m a coward. Well, I don’t have both parents with me. But I grew up just fine. Does that make me strong? No way. If I could have it the other way, I would have chosen to have them both to know how it’s like. I don’t regret it though. And again, I’m not strong for that. There are many things I have regrets on.

I am envious. I envy people, even those who have very big obstacles coming their way. There were many times I questioned God why he never trusted me with anything. Why did he always make everything easy for me? That’s how self-centered I am that even the misfortune of others I’ve envied. But sometimes, when good evil possesses me, I think it’s how high I think of myself that I see those rocks small, or low.

There is a war inside which has been going on for quite a time already. Have you ever wished your friend bad luck just so they’d be back to being your fellow in the sense you’re considering? I have. And each time I did, I meant it. Have you ever done something good for others you wish you didn’t do because you were trapped in a worse situation after? I have and have felt guilty many times. You know what sucks about this? I am always aware but I just let it. I always knew it’s better to not know the good things you’re doing. Than not acting on those you know you’re supposed to be working on.

I feel frustrated everyday. Because I always have to wake up with the same face, in the same body, on the same floor. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how it’s like to be grateful. I am sad.

I’m packing my things. I’m preparing my files. In time, I will leave and make sure everyone wears a smile when they see me around.

Meanwhile, forgive my shallowness or should I say my own version of humanity.

DECEMBER GIFTS.

Yesterday, I went to the post office to pick up perhaps the last December gift. It reached the local post office on Dec 15 but the notice never reached me. So I had to visit the mailing center to see if it hadnt really arrived yet, otherwise, I'd claim it.Anyway, here are some of the gifts I received recently.

Kitty-chan! When I was young, I wanted to have a hello kitty collection. However, it was way too expensive for me and my supporters. So I just made myself happy visiting roomful of Hello Kitty stuff even when it was never mine. This Hello Kitty pillow was given by my friend Takako as a surprise birthday gift. It was really thoughtful of her but but but due to the bad mailing system, it was her who was surprised why her gift never arrived. Thus, I checked with the post office after a month. :D It also came with biscuits I'm eating now. And this pillow shall be abused in bed but I promise to take care of it. I'll pass it on to my daughter. :p

Yes, it is a planner! Momoe gave me this one as a Christmas

and New Year present. She probably knew I wanted a planner so much. It was in the middle of December when I started scouting for some planner at the mall. All decent ones were expensive though. AND hurray, came December 18, I received this. :) It also has a dessert-design paper clip with it. I love dots.

I love this planner.

Paper stuff! If there's one thing I loooooooooove collecting, it's paper stuff. I love paper and how I can doodle on them with the finest pen in the universe. OK, minus my exaggeration, I'm very thankful to have this set because it's just beautiful. I didn't open it yet. It will have to wait until I get my own room, in my own house. :D It's given by Aunt Suze, Mom's friend in UK.

Finally, as for today's post, here's a digital camera given by Mira as one of her many birthday gifts for me. This came too early in November but this is a December gift so it should be here. :p I had two digital cameras before, both very cheap at Php 3,000. Haha! So my friend bought me a real one. :))

DUPLICATE. just so i'll be reminded.

This might have come a little late but I’m posting my 2010 to-do-please-bless-me list. Believe me, each January 1^st, I usually did something I thought I might like to be doing for the entire year like cleaning my room or cleaning my room. I guess it’s always been my goal—have a livable room. So did I let that go this year? Hmm. Not exactly. This year, I asked someone to do it for me. And guess what? I’ve asked thrice already since day 1! So yeah, I believe that’s going to be a ritual this year. To top my list, again, I’ll make sure someone will be available for my room and my peace.

The second one, I believe is more important however, it might be more difficult to achieve, too. I need to and will get a daytime job. I plan to teach, I want to teach. But I don’t want to be teaching English. I’m not good with the language. I’d rather teach numbers but that is something my college degree denies me of. BUT I KNOW SOMETHING. Teaching is not my passion. Well, maybe it’s something that comes easily for me (seriously). But it’s not a vocation I wish to spend my entire life doing. I guess I really just want everyone to at least have the same education I do. I embrace the truth that learning paves a smoother way to living. Honestly, I want to be president. Or at least that someone which has the authority to spend everyone’s money to something valuable and productive. I want the next generation of Filipinos to be as free as they want to be. Yes, I don’t feel free. I feel limited to what my country is treated as (whatever this means.) I’ve said too much when all I really want to say is that I want to have a daytime work that does not coincide with my tutorial at night. I need cash as of the moment. My passion has to wait while I seek it.

Another thing in my list is to finish everything about the house this year. The house might be livable a month from now but I yet have to buy a lot of household stuff: bed, kitchen utensils, electronic appliances and other inanimate objects which might make my mansion a little less livable with their absence. This year will be dedicated to the house, mostly. I want that before I leave, my mother will have a safe place to stay at. I may have spent for it but it’s not really mine. It’s a gift to a mom, or a woman, who’s given most of her life to two people she's forgotten she has herself to please, too.

Did I mention I’d leave? Well, I want to. In fact, it’s one thing I will not give up to get. But that’s not going to happen this year so I won’t elaborate any further. J

I have more-possible-to-achieve list and I’m going to update this site on that in a while.

Meanwhile, if you are by any how friends with 2010, please tell it to be good to me. I’ll be the same. ;)