.

I didn't really plan to post a blog about this because this, I thought definitely wasn't worth remembering. But what have you left to do when you have so much to say and you just can't say it--you write it.

For the past N years in my life, I have been avoiding the television because while it was made to entertain, it gave me more stress back when I was an addict. So I stopped and it did help. While I may have become ignorant (generally on not really important things), not watching TV gave me more opportunity to be selfish and think only of myself and everyone, everything close--no local actors/actresses and their sick issues, no prime time drama that haunts till you sleep, no more of anything TVish.

BUT this time of the year, I definitely regret not having a TV. Why? Because I need to support my anger. I need to feed and fill in the holes in my tiny brain craving for the littlest information TV men can provide. Why? Because I want to know what is going on in my little island Mindanao, more so in my beloved country, Philippines.

I need a TV. Having one will make me feel less cheated. I am now stressed with its absence. What's a little more stress so long I can watch? I want to witness how my country goes down. And rise once more. (hopeFully, and I want to emphasise again, with a big F).

SO PITCH, WHAT REALLY IS IT?

Oh, a powerful family in a certain Ampatuan City in Maguindanao Province in my little Mindanao, has been pointed (by all Filipinos except the family itself) but hasn't been considered by the mighty police force of my little Philippines to have initiated, spearheaded, led and all the verbs synonymous, the massacre of the women representatives of another but perhaps not equally powerful family and the others who went with them on their way to file their beloved gubernatorial bet Vice-Mayor Mangadadatu's candidacy. THIS PART COMPLICATED, EH? I tell you, it really feels like this now.

OKAY. SO WHAT ABOUT THE MASSACRE?

As of yesterday, November 25, 57 corpses were discovered since the November 23 attack to the six-vehicle convoy the Mangadadatus and the others victims were in. Guns were used to kill. But definitely these weren't used to rape, mutilate and many other horrible, monstrous moves.

Plus, these 57 were buried in a hole that seemed to have been dug days (or who knows how long?) before the day of the massacre, which tells us that this had been planned. NO, not surprising. Especially when 100 gunmen led by their very own Mayor, who was a junior of his Governor senior. DUH. It's not like a sudden demon possession because we're talking of a hundred killers, a battalion, which we all would not believe had felt the rush to kill only upon seeing the convoy. Although I'd buy they'd been hypnotized before their entrance to their glorious private army.

SO WHAT ARE YOU REALLY POINTING OUT NOW?

That I yet have to watch the television because THE GOVERNMENT of my lovely Philippines has not solved the case yet?

WHY?

Because of the many reasons they know, which by the way, if they don't realise yet, ARE VERY SHALLOW. I mean,

"It definitely would help if, those who feel that they are already being considered as suspects, for them to turn themselves in and cooperate with the law enforcement agencies," Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita told reporters.


Yes, he wasn't kidding when he said that. My dear, even a thief, who stole a bag of flour, wouldn't show up until a photo of him doing the deed comes out. What more a killer of 57 lives?

To add,

But Espina later backtracked and told reporters “to verify first the report” because the word suspect is a technical term.

“Let’s evaluate first if he will be implicated in the statements. After it is done and concluded, if he is included then his status will change. That’s the time we call him suspect,” the PNP spokesman said.

SO NOW YOU THINK US STUPID JUST CAUSE YOU KNOW SOME JARGON? Jusko!


O, Lord, bless my country, its people and especially those who do not know yet how important their decisions are in our lives.

Allah, I feel ashamed that this has to be the first thing I have to talk about with You. But let the fear of you reign over the hearts of the perpetrators of this (or should I first ask of you to give them hearts?).

AMEN. (But it doesn't end here yet. It's not enough to write.).

CONFUSED.

REALLY VERY.

some of those.

Have you ever felt so loved it makes you wish you would never fall
asleep because tomorrow might not offer the same beauty. Have you ever
felt so loved you don’t want to move afraid that it may alter whatever
is happening at that moment bliss hugs you. Have you ever felt so
loved you can confidently tell yourself you will do everything to keep
your cells in their current pace. Have you ever felt so loved it makes
you wonder about a lot of things and at a time assures you there is no
point wondering.

He tells you none of the things you want to hear yet with each word he
utters, you know there is no better feeling than listening to his
honesty, to all his candidness. He is nothing like the character in
your dream love story yet his thick brows carry a promise of
unending happiness you do not have the slightest courage to ignore. He
shows you his everything and you find nothing special yet you cannot
deny that his simplicity is unique to him.

He has built a world around you where you are the princess he serves,
the air he breathes and the very reason why he lives. He loves you
like a madman.


Very overwhelming except that you do not deserve any of it.

BUBU.

The way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person. Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - Dinah Craik

A breath of fresh air. How very relieving. To have this confirm that, hmm, while we may not be yet what we plan to be, I'm zero percent doubtful of how I feel.

That's why you should understand why you hear certain things from me; how outspoken I can be when with you; that if i may be naked, i am gonna be. Because there is a thing we call comfort. And although it comes in many forms--from diapers to socks to candies (?)--what I get from you is certainly nothing commercial. It is too natural it feels like flesh.

But more importantly, that's why you should understand why I hurt when you keep silent, more so when you lie. Because not only do you not trust me as much, you also feel less. The thing you do when you sift your thoughts, when my reactions worry you before I make them--they're indicators of what we, I fear -- doubt. When your words do not define your actions, you to me become obscure.

But you know what? The first part of this post, to me, still remains true. True not because it is, but because it is here.

MIGHTY MORPHINE POWER RANGER REACTIVATE.

Hi! So I am writing again. This is just one blog I cannot stop visiting, checking and well, doodling on. Do you doodlog? If you know what I mean...

ANYWAY, I realise there really isn't anything else to go back to when I am old but this. I don't keep pictures. I mean I don't have them printed and saved in thick albums to show guests in supposedly not-photo-album-making-more-so-showing-off gatherings. Also, I don't have a diary. I did attempt before when I was in my idealisticish years. But my bratty sister and nosey environment just killed it.

SO I AM BLOGGING. No, I am no trying to explain why this and many others exist. I'm just, hmm, blogging. :D

I graduated in April and since then, I think I haven't been with at-least-engaging-to-talk-with peeps. Normally now, I get up early and check my mail and wait the night off for, well, another online activity. Not that being online is totally draining and deterioratory (SO?!), it's just not like those brains you meet walking forcing you to think before they speak.

I thought I had been slacking too much I should do something. And I did. I swear I did. That's exactly why I realise now working with other people does not necessarily mean growing. Sometimes it just makes you think you can be better than those with Dr. or some titles alike before their names.

I mean:

An alien: What is the opposite of sad? Isn't it joy?

Me: Definitely! With a big f! :D

An alien: I knew it! I thought this was too simple for examiners.

Me: Is this what I paid three hundred for? Are you serious you're, hmm, licensed? Or okay, a human being?

I mean:

The world will surprise you. I remember once hearing from someone who thought himself great that out there was a disappointing place because not only you wouldn't be with people you'd rather be, these people weren't replaceable at all.

Maybe he was right when he said that. After all, he experienced it so he came back to where he's from only to find out that what he was left with were people who didn't want to be with him.


OKAY. This is getting more complicated than I thought. What I want to say, which I wonder I cannot put in a simple way is it's a wonder how we are all very different when we undergo exactly the same process. Yes, exactly the same: indefinite.



Finally, I promise to find time to post every day. Like I promised last year and the year before that. ;)