I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

have you ever been so hurt you cannot cry. you cannot cry because the tears just wont come out. you cannot cry because the feeling is so new to you you do not know how to react. but you feel it hurts.

so your heart got broken. somebody broke it. but only because you broke his first. and because of this, you felt really sad the whole day. you didnt have any appetite, you didnt eat anything from morning till afternoon. and when night came, you wanted so much to cry. everyone around you looked sad also. but they really werent sad. you just wanted every person to sympathize with you. you walked so slowly as if the world had a hundred hours in a day. you looked at the sky every now and then then wondered if there was any slight chance he was doing the same. by this time, you already were very fragile. actually, you wanted to break but that would be the next impossible thing to having him come back to you.

after all this drama, tears wouldnt come out still. you actually thought it's absurd to force yourself to cry but you thought it would really help. then, when you were about to bang yourself on the wall your stomach protested: hey. stupid. feed me first. dont be so selfish. idiot.

so it's not true what they would usually show in movies: she is so sad. she is suicidal because he left her. so she doesnt eat for the entire week. you actually felt like you were taping the most awaited film of the week but yours was more of a reality show. thus, you had to eat.

you ate. and you were amazed how you managed to eat normally. though the food didnt taste great to you as it usually did, your eating habit didnt change.

after the meal, you went home (cuz you were outside all day looking for sympathy from all the pairs of eyes yours met). you went straight to your room and in your bed, you pampered yourself. minutes later, your two-year old cousin came. he sat beside you as if he knew what was happening. so you told him everything. there wasnt any harm, he wouldnt understand, he didnt know yet how to talk. you looked into his eyes because you wanted to make sure that you were talking with someone. you told him each detail hoping that reminiscing could push tears up to your eyes until they would come out and fall. but you already said that last word which was understand, still your eyes were totally dry. then you paused. you turned your head back and when you faced your cousin again, without any warming up, he banged his head against yours. hurt big time!

now you can cry. so he understood eveything. your little cousin knew just what to do. brilliant. you cried. you cried so hard you scared the little boy. then the two of you were crying. you wanted to think that he was your best friend feeling exactly the same as you were.

so you finally cried. but you realised, it didnt help at all. well, the minutes of cry sure did suspend your hurting. but as soon as it was over, the pain moved again.



so this is what it is. this is how it feels.